The GynoMonster

So I was thinking about it, and I decided, why not blog about it? I mean, I've already scared away all of the men anyways. What do I have to lose at this point? (Is this where I've crossed the line between Family Blog and Personal Blog? Don't worry, I'll try not to do this again.)

So I will. No worries-- there are no terrifying details here... I was just thinking about the experience as a whole, and decided it is an interesting thing.

Why, if it is so necessary to do atleast once a year, do we not figure out a way to make it more comfortable and less awkward?

I mean, maybe your experiences are different than mine, but really... well, here's how I would describe it...

I arrived and sat in the waiting room with Brooklyn for a while. She was completely freaked out by the whole doctor scene. I don't know why, but she was a grump and none to happy about accompanying me.

Finally my name was called and I followed the nurse down the hall and into a room where she pointed out my robe and sheet. I situated Brooklyn on the floor with every book I had stuffed into her bag. I also opened two fruit snacks, and dumped out all of the other toys. She needed things to occupy her. Then I de-robed and quickly grabbed my robe and sheet. I mean, you've got to be quick right? You never know when the doctor is going to walk back in, and I'll be darned if I'm still going to be in the de-robing process.

So I picked up the "robe" to put it on. When I think of a robe I think of a fuzzy bathrobe... comfort really. THIS, was not that kind of robe. I attempted to figure out which way the thing was to be put on. In hindsight, it probably didn't matter. I'd be willing to bet everything that this "robe" could have fit 4 grown men inside it, without their having to touch at all. That's fine, but then I saw the "robe ties" at the front of it. Now, what is the point of having robe ties if the robe is big enough to wrap around 4 men? Clearly, tying the ties isn't going to do anybody any good. So instead, I wrapped the "robe" around, and around, and around... Then I picked up the "sheet", which was to go over my legs. I wasn't too concerned about this as my "robe" went past my knees, but for the sake of tradition, I decided to figure the "sheet" out. Turns out, the "Sheet" was really more of a paper towel. A big paper towel, but a paper towel nonetheless. (I wonder if they feel better about the situation if they refer to them as "robes" and "sheets." Like you're at a spa or something.) Anyways. Then I sat on the ever-so-comfortable, and very quiet paper. The whole time, Brooklyn is going nuts, fussing and... well, probably voicing her concern about my "robe" and "sheet." Of course, there was nothing I could do to comfort her-- I mean, I was sitting on the paper in my "robe" and "sheet" and you better believe I wasn't about to hop down and try to help her find another toy. What if that was when the doctor decided to walk in?! So I didn't. She had to fend for herself.

Soon there were fruit snacks strewn around the room, and I decided that if he hadn't come in the room in 20 minutes, why would he come in after 21 minutes? So I hopped down and tried to help Brooklyn. Actually, we read a book, "robe" and all. I didn't dilly-dally of course, the doctor would be there "any minute," so I hopped back on the table and arranged my "robe" and "sheet" just in time.

Nice doctor-- no complaints. But isn't it funny how the doctor tries to carry on a normal conversation during an exam? Ha. It happens every time, "so where are you from? how old is your daughter? what does your husband do?..." You know, like we're having a normal conversation over dinner--- only this is NOT dinner. And we are NOT friends. And frankly, I have no idea how I answered any of the questions. I was distracted by Brooklyn's screaming and the rest of it.

Ugh, thank goodness we don't have to do this more often. I mean, it's fine, and it's good. It's a good thing we have doctors to help us stay healthy. I just... I've always wanted to ask my doctor and I never have: What on earth would possess you to want to be a gynocologist when you grew up? I mean, who aspires to THAT? Do you realize that people like my husband refer to you as the "gyno-monster"?

I think maybe I'll ask next time...

Some things are better left unspoken?

Don't you hate it when you have something either so funny or maybe just so noteworthy that you know there is no place other than your blog that you should share it, yet, you know it is completely inappropriate and should never be published in a place where the whole world can read it?

*sigh*

Such is my predicament today. Clearly, whoever said, "some things are better left unspoken" has A LOT of good stories to tell.

Ok, Ok, I know you're dying to know what I'm talking about. This post did come about because of today, but it's made me think about all of the past times that I have wanted SO BADLY to blog about something (usually something so hysterical I'm sure you'd be hooked to reading my blog if I posted it), but know that I really shouldn't.

All I will say about today is this. You know how women tell you to find a gynecologist that you feel "comfortable" with? Question: When are you EVER comfortable at the gynecologist's office? Honestly...

Too much said already... I have now scared away any and all male readers. My apologies :)

I'm thinking about writing a book.

I've been thinking about this since I was pregnant with Brooklyn (no, I am not pregnant right now). I'm not sure what the title would be... I'm still working on that. Originally I thought I might just write about the things that I learned during pregnancy. But now that I have a toddler, I think maybe it should be a book about the things you learn during motherhood. There would be different sections based on the different ages of children. First section would be : things I learned during pregnancy. Second section: Things I learned While I had an infant. Third: Things I learned while I had a toddler. Fourth: Things I learned while I had a child... then teenager, then young adult. What do you think?

I would definitely need input from lots of mothers. So really it would be a compilation of things learned. Here's my work-in-process of things I learned while pregnant. I would really appreciate additions to this list. And one day, when it's published, you can say you were part of my multi-million dollar book.

Things I learned Throughout Motherhood
A compilation of thoughts from the sane, and insane

Section 1: Things I Learned During Pregnancy and Soon After Child-Birth

• Eat healthy-- but sometimes you have to eat whatever doesn't make you think of vomitting
• I never "glowed"
• The weightlessness of being in a pool is wonderful
• You don't think you could ever be in enough pain to want a stranger to stick a 12 inch needle in your spine, but you will
• You will probably want a stash of Tums everywhere. This includes the kitchen, bathroom, nightstand, car, purse, pockets, porch, family room, and hall closet
• You will get fat, and possibly even in every place that you never thought could even accumulate fat, like your ears for example
• It is worth spending whatever it costs to buy some maternity clothes that you feel "cute" in
• "Cute" is relative
• Just because you were noble enough to carry a baby for nine months and then give birth does not mean that the pounds will come off easier than the last time you tried to lost weight
• You will still look VERY pregnant when you leave the hospital
• You will never think you have enough money or stuff to have a baby, so don't let that be a deciding factor.
• The handicap bathroom stalls will eventually be necessary because of your size. On the up side, they also have hand rails to help you stand back up again
• At your 6 week checkup after birth, the doctor will probably tell you that everything looks "normal." It is normal to completely disagree.
• For some reason, people don't judge pregnant women for more-than-normal bodily sounds. You may want to take advantage of this.
• It's ok to let dishes pile up in your kitchen
• When those piles of dishes start smelling and you can't handle it, call a cleaning company.
• If you can't afford a cleaning company, spray body-spray on a towel, wrap it around your face, and proceed to clean. Keep a vomit bucket nearby.
• Using an electric toothrush may make you nausious
• Make sure someone throws a baby shower for you
• Your husband will tell you that you're beautiful when you don't feel so beautiful. Listen to him.
• Read-- while you still have time
• Sleep-- while you still have time
• Eat-- while you still have time
• Shower-- while you still have time
• Take profile pictures of your growing belly. They will be fun to look back at.
• You won't care who sees you naked when you're in hard labor.
• "I'm eating for two" doesn't make sense when your baby is smaller than a bean. In fact, it doesn't make sense ever-- however, this doesn't mean you can't say and do it.
• You will have to urinate every time you go to the doctor. Don't go before you leave home.
• Find a doctor that you like. He will be seeing a lot of you
• When you hold your baby for the first time, you will realize it was all worth it

So that's all I have for now. Any more ideas?

I guess I should start working on sections two and three now.